feels like smelling the eucalyptus after a rainstorm

read from SHORT STORY ! IF YOU WANT TO GET TO THE POINT
this is alot of ranting and just mind speak, read it if you want to know more about what happend.

when do you truly accept yourself? what kind of a situation does it take to realize you are what you are, and you cant change yourself.. and you cant change the others aroudn you?

ok what an odd introduction

i'd just like to say hello to you all once again, i feel comfortable talking to you at the moment i think your all very genuine loving people

i need help, ok... what im about to say will mean perhaps nothing to you at all but to me this really did genuinely happen to me, and im not just one of those people saying it did when it didnt' either but be open minded please im having difficulty realizing who and what i am and.. what i must do. where i must go but.. im also very excited at the same time.

ok here goes.... only recently did i find out im differnt, that... i see things that alot of other people dont, i feel things that others cant comprehend, i would have different ideas about topics which have common thoughts shared by alot of people. but long story short yesterday was perhaps one of the most happiest , frightening, completely life changing, perspective changing, and self respect and self worth building day i'v had and i hope it lasts.

when i was very young i would have alot of nightmares, (alot) i couldn't sleep some times, i'd have... full body vibrations and the astral body seperation vibrations which at the time all.. this time i thought was normal everyone experienced it..

everynight i slept my heart would begin racing and i would become still as a timber board when the feelings of shaking, swaying and... dropping came ontop of me. i would lie petrified which only seemed to make the things happening more intense because i became so focused upon them.
amidst this for some reason i would always see a purple feild when my eyes were closed, a fluro violet (how am i supposed to know wat the fuck this is at an age where i cant even kick a ball 5 metres) my whole life i'v experienced like things, i went through a phase in highschool where i had deja vu every day and became so good that i change the outcome every time it happend to the way it happend in my dream (dont knw if thats a good or bad thing) i did that until i had awoken briefly half awake and half asleep and seen a big rearing head looking at me from the curtains in my room where i vowed never to do it again because i knew i was playing with things i shouldn't have been.

subtly though..... i got into reading, fantasy books were my favorite and from them i got into different books, it was a big step for me because i felt embarresd reading books on meditation and yoga for some reason why did i want to actually read these books at age 15, i got big into reading about chakras and astral travel questioning reality .. meditation . seeing things differntly and feeling energy ?!??

everytime i would meditate i would get to a level where i had cut myself off, due to fear.. my heart would pound i'd feel the shift in vibrations and the purple would come. buti could never will myself further because i was to scared and i think i still am. ... their really is something different out there... at the time... i was not really sure what was happening to me, wherei was going and it led me on a path i think of running away. i moved away to a differnt state and partied everynight... working 50 - 60 hr's a week and dealing with alot of anxiety. for weeks i'd have irregular dreams and i became different, nothing felt the same.. i was morbid and soon to discover that i was suffering from derealization due to the huge hours.. drinking every night and kickboxing which lead to burnout.. and i HATED IT, i felt sick every day ... vertigo nothing seemed real.. i wanted to die. nothing was to live for.. i hated the things i loved such as surfing and i talked to my parents as if i migh be 'leaving soon' but.. again it was all to change. ... unknowingly again.. i began to have dreams, strane ones... one was the night i had lost being a virgin.. i think i astral traveld and i sat infront of a man who had a star in his eye (what does this mean) he talked to me breifly before i felt the falling back into my body and i jerked up.. from there i 'subtly' bought a book on reiki and a meditation book which i seem'd to treasue as if they were the threads which held me.


i use the term revelations because things just kept seeming to happen, such as... seeing the purple when i was a kid, the dreams, reading... everyime i would run away from it.. i'd suddenly be pulled back towards it.. uknowingly before i realized HOLD ON! THIS JUST HAPPENED. but im coming to terms with it now.. i dont think i have a choice with who i am anymore, and what i have to be.. .there is literally nothing i can do about it, and perhaps everyone can relate to this aswell.... no matter how hard you try to run, its inevitable you are who you are and there is nothign you can do but accept the fact.

just recently thats what i have done.. and for some reason i feel happy and full of energy again. optimistic and ready for anything but at the same time knowin im not prepared at all and im terribly frightend that i have to confront my greatest fears and become the opposite of who i thought i was .. but at the same time this will be the greatest thing in my life i think. just.. this thing that happend to me yesterrday has.. well.. i woke up the next day changed, accepted.. i felt happy.. and i'v been sad for so long ( i'v had alot of trouble coming to terms with what i'v seen, felt, heard and lived withough guidance i really felt like i am crazy, my friends have no idea who i am and i put up a mask when im around them until it happend, .... it happend) now that i really think about it, for me life has flipped over on its head, things really have become differrnt, the same but... different. the eternal question of who am i ? where am i in this ocean of chaos has finally brought me clarity, how can i see something one day and see something different the next? it was like an awakeing i guess in the sense that i am leaving myself.. and am becoming different. ok onto the why? and how did this come about?! ... i hope you guys can help me too.. but here goes................................................................................

it was a full moon and i felt energized, and curious so i had booked an appointment to go and see a tarot card reader that only took donations and i had heard from various people had broght them to tears as the told me shocking line after line their life in a nutshell and everything that existed around them. ... i was curious...... thats what i said, but i needed help and also i was very skeptical as you should be. i had booked the appointment after i got the number off my friend who had wished me luck (she not being someone to belive in the esoteric had done a full backflip, she broke down crying to me the night she explained what had happend the day she went and seen the reader, this being a person i respect and value i thought it had to be mroe then just a load of crap so i had to find out for myself)

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY! REVELATIONS

ok .. before i went in to see her (jedda the reader) i had been surifng in the morning with my friend and was feeling pretty mellow, i'd been throught a bit with the anxiety and didn't think anything could really hurt me or... get me excited, i thought it was gong to be a giant let down (remember i had cut off all my ability because i was scared and i didn't want to know what was gonig to happen, therefore i thought i was fine) i drive an old bomb and was looking for an adress which wasn't there.... but found the house.. without the number i had been told because i just knew it was there... and that was the house.

lo and behold i knocked on the door and a nice lady came walking forward to which i said are you jedda (the reader) and she usherd me inside to sit on the couch with a friendly cat while she finished inside with the other person who had came.

just relaxing on the couch with this nice placid cat it was time to go in... she was really nice, and as i walked in i took in the scenery nothing a small kitchen to the left and a table set up infront with a deep purple silk cloth laid ontop with 1 major deck of cards and 2 other seperate decks to the side.

this is when it got overwhelming, being sum1 to question everything i had went in openminded and was ready to hear what was said and to scrutinize at anything that missed a beat, but what was to come next.. the first 2 sentences would have me gasping for breath and in complete shock... it felt as if someone had slapped me very hard in the face and i had no idea it was coming. from then on it was a roller coaster ride or harsh truths upon truth, speculation which i belive is ultimately going to lead to another truth and also disbelief which ... you guessed it... actually is true :S this was incredible.. i was lost from when she started, i walked in knowing everything and was unfolded in 2 sentences. this is what happend!!!!

i sat down, with my drink and she passed me the cards to shuffle... i did so thinking nothing of it and handed them back....... immediatly she went from being this nice passive woman to some kind of a roboti would say, her eyes would look down and right as she would start to speak fast and talk about things deep and disturbing that concerned my family and me, who i am.. my past lives.. my purpose etc etc, this is heavy heavy stuff ok.

immediatly as the cards had come out she said, .............. are your parents divorced, or are they getting divorced because i can see they are not happy together (typical thing to say but caught me offguard because yes they fight alot! they always have) she then said, i can see that they arn't together anymore and fight often..... your mum is loud isn't she... she yells alot, inst' that right?! (at this i was gobsmacked, when my mum gets into an argument she screams and yells my friends would often make fun of me by screaming at me the way my mum did lol.. its qutie funny) the next thing she said was... your father you see him 1 dimensionally .. its you in the familly your mum and 2 brothers (correct, i'v neva met this lady and she knows i have 2 brothers) but his on the outside, she said i dont like him, has he had an affair on your mother (this was deep, my dad always slurred and looked at other wemon on the street even when i was young, he'd tell my mum he would go to another lady instantly) she said she dind't trust him and knew why i dont talk to him (also true) ...... yes this is very heavy shit..... it went on deeply to talk about my 2 brothers my older brother is to work for himself and she said he protects me, she said he really looks out for me and whereve he lives ill always have a home with him (im living with him now :S!!!!!!!) she said his wife would not like it but she would understand (there are pictures of my older brother keeping care of me when we were kids, years before mum had told me that he'd always watch out for me unlike my other older brother, im the youngest, although i had sensed this myself) she went into saying the girl that is currently with my other brother is very clingy and my brother being a 1 night stand type of guy un commited is going to have a very hard time getting away from this person. (............. she dind't say specifics who it was etc, but... i think i know who it is.. she came back from another state to be 'work for him' and they were togeter at 16, she also warned he is treading dangerously to having a child with her aswell, which would bring him to ground a bit more but etc etc................. ok, this all rained true everyting, was amazing to stating i'v got a friend which is about to have a kid which is going to ruin his life.. he'll be a dead beat dad and is going to need all our support :S strange.. i feel sorry for whoever that is going to be....... yada yada!!! it was all accurate which brings me to the next area




SHORT STORY
the reader as stated above is a very accurate tarot reader who had broght me to utter jaw dropping... eyes poppoing out of my head..... revalation slapping myself and going this cant be really happening, yes it was that heavy.

she talked about me... she said... to me.. im an old soul, im a very old person.. i'v been re-incarnated many times and am here to learn, she said im taking this spiritual path... :S!! WDF she told me i'm very emotional, i'v had a hard life, she's not going to lie but its going to be a very hard one... im to face challenge after challenge and the only way to get to the next stage is to accept and do them. my first challenge is accepting who i am and letting myself be myself, becoming more confident and realizing i deserve the good i get, also the way it was put was... to stop trying so hard to become the person other people want me to be, it'll only hurt myself and not them. (i'v been waring with this alto as my mum would say i'v been disconnected and she worried over me because she didn't know what was wrong, but i told her.. either did i) yes it comes down to.. im scared to say it but.. yes... becoming medium... she told me that i have no choice, it wont happen immediately unless i let it but, its going to happen soon, she said i have no choice eventually ill see things that are there, that shouldn't be... ill hear things, ill be in a differnt reality and i dont have a choice. althogh she was very reassuring this is actually what 'I' wanted that 'I' am going to live the life i always wanted, its still kind of daunting, yes i left there feeling aware, with who i am and it just kept ringign true and felt so right, i feel apart of something. i can be myself and i have to be.. thats my first lesson before i leave.

when i asked her what it was like to be medium (as she was) she surprised me and didn't surprise me by saying ...... haha, its terrible i hate it... when i was 16 i ran away from home because i was goign through what you are, i didn't want this to happen to me so i drank and smoked and killed every emotion and thats how i liked it but i had to accept myself because i realized there is NO SUCH THING AS RUNNING YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE AND YOU CAN NOT HELP THAT. i said so what does this mean for me... as she got another deck and told me to shuffle as she laid them out.... what came up was... card 1 a baby, ccard 2 a long windy road, card 3 a cross ... card 4 a ship and card 5 a scythe........

i asked what the cards meant and she said it just reinforced what i told you....

the baby meaning a new begining, as in your just starting... card 2 .... the road... upon a long windy road .... card 3 the cross...... of a spritual journey...... card 4 the ship..... which will take you on heaps of traveling and journeys ........ card 5 .. the scythe ....... which will cut away who you are now.. the people you know and the life you currently lead...... your going to change immensly.

how do you comprehend this?! strikingly i wasnt' surprised when she said, there are people that call me there frien which i dont like becausei find them too materialistic... she also said i have a very short fuse and get angry .. and can get very angry .. lol i can throw things :S .............. but perhaps one of the most freakish things that happend was this... ok im 20, and i'v questioned my sexuality .... i think she's a mind reader because as i was sitting across from her... i coulnd't stop thinking about it.... i mean that day i had thought differently when i was in my spaced out mood... it was fucked.. im not gay i know im not but i didn't think differntly for a period... its very strange. anyway..... at an instant it went through my head and she immediately looked up from the cards and said 'are you questioning your sexuality??" ............................. <<<<<<<<<<<<<< what the fuck?! she was right onto it...................

again if she hit that note.. what did she mean by the fact that my mum isnt' going to understand what i do.. she said.. your going to scare alot of people with what you are and what you do soon, but your mum wont understand you but she'll love you none the less... she will always accept what you do but never understand it. your dad wont care lol, but he loves you even though he donesn't sho it. and she said for you... keep meditating, to visit her whenever i like for tutoring and help through this stage.

anotehr one here is she said my aura is purple and green.. ...... (my hands get hot when i meditate, and before she told me i didn't know that green meant healing, reiki.. she said good healers like to be healthy too (i do kick boxing and karate, i'v stopped drinking i just dont want too, i'v never smoked and... oddly i goto the supermarket to but a bag of fruit instead of getting a doughnut, i cant help it i just do) when i told her this she laughed and smiled saying she didn't have to teach me anything i was already doing the things nessecary for this path withought conciously seeing what was happening.

the purple aura represensts the 'divine and third eye' i told her my forehead and just behind my eye really feels sore when i mediatate and even just when im thinking.. its doing it now.. and she said its your third eye, the purple aura ... your holding it back to much and it wants to come out.. it need to its you.. let it go.. which i'v been doing just today and already things are getting differnt.. she said their is alot of spirits around me which is common for this journey because its very hard.. she told me i wont be liked by many, ill scare some and some will think im very lucky.. ill find frinends where i didn't think to look and when i most need help it'll be there.. im protected by the aura, im incredibly safe.. she said.. tell your mum not to worry about you because your protected you cant be harmed unless i create my own undoing which will be very hard to do so with all this positive energy.

on a last note, i plan on posting everything that i experience and i would like you all to support me... im really really scared.. i am so scared ..... what am i going to do that my mum isn't going to like ? when i dont feel anythig like that at the moment.. who am i!

Wow, very energized and inspiring writing! I identified with much of it. But I'm a little confused as to whether it was fictional or non-fictional. And did you write it, Nacup?

yes, i wrote it last night and it happend 2 days ago now, it really did happen. i dont fucking belive it.... ..............

Nacup, thank you for sharing...now calm down and breathe lol I am a fellow Aussie and I have experienced alot of what you are going through.

The second deck of cards that you had your reading taken from .... I wonder if these were Titania's Fortune cards? They have pictures of things on them and are not so much tarot cards as they are symbol cards. If they are (I own a deck myself and they were my first deck that really connected me with receiving messages), then the cross that came up actually means destiny, being looked after, and your road being in the hands of the Gods. This fits in with your whole 'you are what you are' belief. The cards alongside it point to the areas of most importance in your life. In your case this would be the road and the ship. The road indicates changes, a new path or direction and the ship means important travel and also relates to business. The scythe beside the ship indicates a sudden trip will be taken. The baby card (or child on a tricycle as it appears in the picture) either indicates that the person being read (you) are young (either physically or in the mind as in having a playful nature) or the beginning stages of something. My interpretation of the cards that came out for you would be that you are just beginning a new path that is your destiny and that it will involve a sudden change to your whole life. Of course, most readers assign their own meanings to the cards and their symbols so I am not saying Jedda was incorrect. I feel she is highly talented and probably more mediumistic than psychic. It sounds very much like she was channeling the reading from spirit or your guides.

While I was reading your post, I clearly saw a row of bright blue diamonds running under your words. I am not sure what this means, but felt I had to mention it. It was separate from the text and appeared in my third eye. I often see the 'things that aren't there' as you put it and pick up on the energy of people.

I also want to say to you not to fear too much about upsetting your mother or other people you love. My impression is that when we are 'different' or follow a little understood or not widely accepted path, it creates fear in those around us. It is not that by stepping into the role of who you are and becoming a medium is a bad thing, it is just that many people are yet to accept this as being a valid choice. We still live in societies that worship the almighty dollar and expect people to fall in line and take up 9 to 5 drone like jobs and be acceptable. When someone comes along who sees through all this crap and starts doing what makes them happy and comes naturally, people tend to feel angry or fearful towards that person. Sometimes being a medium or a psychic attracts ridicule and this is another thing that may upset your mother. She may worry that you have chosen a path that is more difficult than the normal one of becoming like everybody else. I am sure in time she will accept what you do and become supportive. I am a mother myself - we love our children for who they are, not what they do... I bet your Mum will be the same, and love you regardless.

Good luck Nacup - I wish you all the positive energy and brightest blessings to get you started. If there is ever anything you need help with, just say the word.

Looking forward to sharing in your journey and hearing about your experiences along the way.

Lots to take in here.

I have had similiar experiences, experiences which were enlightenments to me. I have admitted this to very few people, as when I do people would say things like, "Oh so you have all the answers? Then why aren't you wealthy?" or "Why do you have anxiety problems?" What people don't understand is that rising to a higher level doesn't give you all the answers, and although it can help you to get over some obastacles it alsoc creates new ones. When you experience an enlightment of any kind it changes you, even if you are unaware of the changes for a time. You have woken up on a deeper (or higher, whoever you wish to word it) level, and this creates more connection (understanding) but likely more complications at the same time. I don't think what you experienced is quite the same as what I have, but it is a part of waking up.

Nacup, please don't be afraid. We are all here for you on your new adventure in life. I look forward to hearing more about your journey. Wishing you Light, love, and peace

thank you so so much everybody for your support, it really does help me.... goth ink she referd to them as cards of the galaxy i think and she suggested i get a deck.

it was like.. pictures on the cards, but in high energy color's neon blue and red for expample they were highlighted colors.

thank you all so much again, to be honest with you all... im scared, i really am. i dont live in a place which accepts this, i'v always been a little outcast, here like was stated previously its the 9-5 grind. hard working, and pointless-ness. i want to move, i feel like im being urged but how can i be sure? i too suffer from anxiety which happend to me after i moved to Queensland june 20 last year and worked just an amazing grind the 50 - 60 hr week, drinking, ... etc etc, which i absolutely hate now, although i think it is the greatest lesson i have ever learned. it tells me every day, reminds me by making me feel sick not to be the person im not. although i consistently still do it :S how do you just go about doing a 180 degree back flip. it feels hard because i grew up here my whole life, i'v got the older people that say 'isn't he tall' ... is he your kid etc, etc.. all that and yeh i feel sick alot not knowing what to do (although i think i do, its just hard to do it :S)

i plan on seeing jedda very soon again just so i can talk to her, she told me when i really needed the help i was after i would find the people to support me. strangely... i had lost this web adress and only found it after i was emailed about the new design blue waer sent me. which.............. even more strangely was the same day i had the reading thank you guys

and i think im going to start up a new thread which i want to share with you all, uhm........ yeh. i dont feel ready yet to tell you who i all am, its not personal but im just not sure this is me yet. the new thread will just be about my experiences and hopefully you can all keep me sane !!! and perhaps you can all relate to it aswell

many thanks!

James

Trust in your intuition. And I have found that talking about these things can do a world of good also. We all need to feel connected and understood. It was hard for me too I guess, keeping a lot to myself. But when I met people who felt as I did and who I could speak openly with I began to feel much better. Life can be confusing and overwhelming, but all we can I do is out best.

I am glad that Blue decided to send the e-mails and that you were able to find us again.